Up until May 19th I tried to keep this blog fairly active. As I continue to battle this pain issue in my lower back / left leg, I let go some of the “un-necessary” things of life. One of which, I thought, was this blog. My chronic pain required too much of me; it distracted me like a Wack-A-Mole demon (popping up at the most inopportune times). I thought about blogging about my struggle – with pain, with treatment options, with the temptations I battle. I chose to remain silent because “pastors can’t do that”.
I’ve talked with some friends lately and shared openly about some of the things I’ve been fighting. They encouraged openness. So, here it goes:
- Current status of pain levels: “blow-torch” type nerve pain radiating from the lower back, across the hip, extending to the left knee. Complete numbness and tingling every minute of every day. Stumbling occasionally as a result.
- Pain Meds: they don’t help. Even when I’ve doubled the dose.
- Temptations: See above dosage. I am willing to let go of long term health to chase short term relief. Contrary to popular thought, the narcotics I take do not provide a “high” of any kind, they don’t do anything – unless I up the dosage past prescribed amounts. Yes, I do know its going to kill my liver and kidneys…but I’m hurting (see pain levels) Also, with pain levels and pain meds come increased emotional “instability”. Yeah, that’s something I don’t like to admit. Also, frustration with God about this whole thing makes me even wonder if I’m qualified to do my “job”. Also, I am filled with pride and struggle with sharing honestly about this whole thing – I don’t really have a close friend to talk it through. Also pride plays into my thoughts on treatment – I mean, if the ministry can operate without me when I have surgery / or whatever, am I needed in the first place? (Okay, enough of these temptation things)
- Future: I have an appointment on August 1st with my Pain Mgmt doc. It is then that I have decided to pursue two options: “burning” the nerve or further fusion.
Please pray that God would give me wisdom on how to proceed. He continues to show himself gracious.
Here’s the passage I’ve just finished memorizing:
This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in him. Lamentations 3:21-24